i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
