My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
