I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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