my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
