I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
