i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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