the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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