I accidentally burped into my bong.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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