I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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