i would punch a child for taco bell
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
