The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
