i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
