There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
