I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just want nice things and good sex
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
