I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
