he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
