I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
