I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
