i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
