If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
