After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
