I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
