Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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