my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
