if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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