and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
