Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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