she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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