quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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