i don't like sucking hair
i think my tv is drunk
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
this is an emotional support booty call
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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