hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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