I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
