btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
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