Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
