I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
