Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
