whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
