My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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