your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
