No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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