I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
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I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
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HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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