So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Someone signed my nipple.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
