It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
