I think I won the penis lottery.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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