11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
