Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
