I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
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My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
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