Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
