his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
