I smell stomach acid.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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