mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
