my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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