I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
