I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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