she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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