I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize
