Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
