No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
