I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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