so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
