I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
