Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize